Exclusive: ‘Transracial’ Trudeau Turns on Taunters [SATIRE]

Speaking to UGM this Friday, beleaguered transracial Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau hit back at critics who accused him of gross racial insensitivity.

I admit, it’s been a very hard few days for me. Having my private preferences exposed to the public eye has been deeply upsetting. However, it’s time to clear the air and hit back at those who have called me ‘racist’. The truth could hardly be more different. I can’t be racist – I am black.

For years, I’ve struggled with my racial identity, and blacking up my face was a way for me to vent some of those inner feelings. Yes, I laughed along with those who thought it was ‘funny’, but that was only a way to mask my inner pain. It’s not my fault that comedy was the only avenue I could safely express my transracial nature.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been troubled by desires to sell drugs and mug people. Growing up in such a privileged white home allowed me no relief from my natural instincts. Instead I was forced to perform to an academically high standard and become Prime Minister of Canada. Cis blacks have no idea how hard that was for me. No, I didn’t suffer from the ‘traditional’ methods of discrimination against black people. My suffering was even more acute than that – not having my blackness recognised at all!

Cis blacks will never understand the struggle of transracial individuals such as myself. They will never have to go through the pain of growing up out of poverty as I did. They will never know how validating it can feel to be on the receiving end of police brutality.

And as for my white critics – first of all, check your privilege and stop punching down. Secondly, I know that a lot of criticism comes from a suppressed sense of sexual desire. My naturally exotic features are overly sexualised by mainstream media. It would help a lot if, instead of criticising me, you channelled your lust towards celebrating the first black PM of Canada.

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